I remember wanting to be "in Christ" - that enigmatic closeness that was spoken of so often, but never truly described. It was a mystery and I wanted it. I needed it to prove myself. To who? To others, but mostly just to me. Simultaneously, I wanted the freedom to just be myself. However, it was one or the other. Authenticity was evil. If you allowed yourself to be just another sloppy, complicated human being doing the best you could - well, obviously you didn't really love Jesus. Jesus meant abandoning yourself, every last little drop that made you who you are. And you weren't allowed to question this.
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